


Little Boy Blue

by AfterGlow13



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Fix-It, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Neil Hargrove is His Own Warning, Neil Hargrove's A+ Parenting, Racism, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2020-06-27 01:32:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19780489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AfterGlow13/pseuds/AfterGlow13
Summary: "Billy would never admit this to anyone, least of all himself, but he still felt like a child. A little boy, barely coming up to his Dad's elbows. Like that kid, Adam, whom he and Heather had brought to the monster. It had almost been too easy. His parents were split, and when it was his father's turn to pick him up from swim lessons he was guaranteed to be 45 minutes late. Billy had scooped him up, one hand over his mouth, and Heather had waited with the trunk of the car open.These were the thoughts Billy was sweating with in the July heat. He'd never liked the cold, and found he liked it even less now. The fan sat in the corner, unplugged."The story of how Billy gets a radio, too.





	1. Chapter 1

"Do you want anything from the store, Billy?" Susan asked, standing in the door to his room, Neil looming behind her. He'd been home from the hospital two days. He had instructions to stay in bed for another three, at least.

"No, thank you, Susan," Billy said, and if his smile didn't reach his eyes Susan didn't notice, because it never had before. Not with Neil around. 

"We'll be back in an hour, son. Max will be home soon, if you need anything," Neil said, and Billy just nodded, unsure as always what to do with kindness from his father. He'd be surprised, except Neil was always like this in the aftermath. Except usually he was the one who caused Billy to be laid up like some helpless kid.

Billy would never admit this to anyone, least of all himself, but he still felt like a child. A little boy, barely coming up to his Dad's elbows. Like that kid, Adam, whom he and Heather had brought to the monster. It had almost been too easy. His parents were split, and when it was his father's turn to pick him up from swim lessons he was guaranteed to be 45 minutes late. Billy had scooped him up, one hand over his mouth, and Heather had waited with the trunk of the car open.

These were the thoughts Billy was sweating with in the July heat. He'd never liked the cold, and found he liked it even less now. The fan sat in the corner, unplugged.

Billy shifted, the sheet sticking to his bare skin from sweat. He missed the drugs in the hospital. They left him in a haze, mostly unaware of what was going on around him. The world had just been a drone of distant voices, and when his roommate had regained consciousness, a slightly closer drone that he wouldn't have understood even if he had listened, because he was Russian. 

Billy considered getting up, taking the pain pills Susan left on the kitchen counter. He'd just had a dose, but maybe another would stop the thoughts in his head.

He began to lever himself up, when the door banged open and Max came in with a skateboard under her arm. Billy flinched at the noise, then laid back down with a sigh.

Max took up Susan's spot at the door, expression somehow more mature than Billy had ever felt. When she didn't say anything, he snapped, "What?"

She rolled her eyes but didn't say anything. Instead she walked into the room and collapsed on the foot of his bed. "Why don't you put on some clothes?"

"I'm wearing clothes," he sneered.

"You're wearing underwear." Max rolled her eyes again, before a more pensive look came over her face. "About what happened…"

"I don't want to talk about it," Billy stated, drawing away to look at the fan.

"But-"

"Max!" he snapped, hoping to cut her off, but she kept going, voice raised to match his own.

"- don't you have questions?" Billy looked back over at her, face still a blank. "With Neil and Mom gone, this is a good time to, you know, talk interrupted." He doesn't respond. "Do you understand what happened? What that thing was? What stopped it?"

"No, Maxine," he said, dead slow. "Go away."

She did, and Billy was left alone with his own thoughts again, but now they focused on the monster's death. He'd already decided that he didn't want to live, but he couldn't actively think about taking his life. The monster wouldn't let him. He'd tried so damn hard once, just once, when the kids had locked him in the sauna. As his hands had reached for the shard of tile he'd thought about slicing it across his own wrist, but the thought was pushed from his mind and he was forced to lunge at the glass, at Max.

He'd be lying if he said he never wanted to hurt Max, because the moment they'd met the big mean kid Billy had become had squeezed when Neil ordered him to shake Max's hand. She had just screwed her face up, blue eyes welling with tears, but they hadn't fallen. Billy had gotten a slap for that later, and Max had gotten an approving chuckle. When Max rode her skateboard inside the house and broke a plate two days later, Billy had realized that the two of them operated on different rules when it came to his Dad. They both got bandages, but Billy's were where they couldn't be seen.

He'd realized that he needed to protect her for his own sake, and shown her better places to skate, resentment burning in him.

He'd wondered when Neil's anger would turn, like the tide, to swallow Max too.

He wasn't sure when he started to care for Max the way a brother should, but one day in the Hawkins winter she wordlessly handed him her fingerless gloves as he rubbed his hands together as he started the Camaro to drive them both to school. When he'd asked why, she'd just said the steering wheel was cold and she could put her hands in her pockets, unlike him. He'd tried to give them back when he dropped her off, but she'd just shrugged, and told him to keep them, walking away with one hand shoved in a pocket, the other in her boyfriend's hand. Billy had given up keeping her from him, but he was still hoping he could keep Neil finding out about him so his wrath didn't find her.

He'd warn the gloves well into the spring, then shoved them into his glove compartment for the next winter. Summer's warmth had found him, and Billy had found his purpose. Billy liked being a lifeguard, liked the attention and the sun and the water, sure, but what he loved was protecting people. The pool became his kingdom.

But then he fucked it up, just like he always did. The monster got him, and the fear that he'd just begun to shake swallowed him. He was a little kid, all alone, unable to fight the monster that he had to obey, or else.

It wasn't entirely the monster that wanted to lash out at Mrs. Wheeler. He was so damn angry that he had been forced to drive by that damn place, so damn angry, and he blamed her. He wanted to hurt her. But it wasn't her fault. And she didn't leave her family, not like -

Not like his Mom.

He didn't have the energy left to keep it from Heather. All he could do was tell her not to move. He'd struggled, and as a result he still had a huge laceration in his cheek, and something in his throat hurt when he choked down the chemicals the monster needed to grow.

_Don’t move_.

He whispered it to each and every person he brought to the monster. Heather, her parents, and the little boy he taught swim lessons to, the ultimate perversion of his job.

His kingdom became the monster's hunting grounds, Billy it's dog.

Billy couldn't even protect Max.

But then Max's friend, the one the monster wanted, she had reached into his mind and reminded him that he could. Reminded him of his Mom, of her hair and her dress and how small he'd felt beside her, how safe. And he'd fought with everything he had, intending to die for those kids.

And then the monster's power disappeared, and it died instead. At least, that's what he thought happened. Billy's memory is blurted from pain and his drop into unconsciousness.

Was it dead? He couldn't feel it anymore, but what if it was coming back? He couldn't let that happen.

"Max!" he hollered. She appeared at the door. "Get in here."

She took her spot at the end of his bed again, scooping a wife beater off the floor and throwing it at his face. His scoffed but put it on.

He doesn't say _I'm sorry_. He'd already said that, when he thought he was dead.

"What the fuck was that? What happened to it? Will it come back?"

"We call it a Mind Flayer, Chief Hopper and Mrs. Byers killed it by closing the gate the Russians opened under Starcourt Mall, and it's trapped in the Upside Down now. It can't get back."

Billy just blinked at her, feeling like a dumb child. At least half those words didn't make sense, and if he hadn't experienced the monster - the Mind Flayer? Yeah, okay, that name matched his experience - he'd be laughing by now. Instead, he just raised an eyebrow and said, "What?"

Max sighed. "This is going to take awhile."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick little update. I think I've found the plot of this story, and there'll likely be two more chapters. Thanks to everyone to has read, commented, or left a Kudo!

After a half hour Max stomped away in frustration, and Billy thought she wasn't coming back, until she returned with a walkie talkie. "I can't explain it right."

He can't say that the five teenagers on the other side of the talkie Max holds are much better, but eventually it starts to fall into place, like those puzzles Susan does where little bits of blue and green and red turn into a Dutch windmill. A big, slimy windmill.

"So, the Mindflayer only had enough power to be in this world because the Russians opened the gate. When Mrs. Byers and the Chief closed it, it died," Billy summarized.

"Yeah!" chimed several excited male teenage voices. Billy had been introduced to all of Max's friends in passing but not enough to pick out whose voice was whose.

"Not exactly," a voice said slowly, and even if it hadn't come from the only girl in the group Billy would know whose voice it was. El's. The Mindflayer had been obsessed with her.

"What? But that must have been it! The timing was perfect," said one of the boys.

"I've been thinking... about what I felt when it died. And… there was more. The Mindflayer's power mostly came from the Upside Down, but part of it was trapped here, the part we forced out of Will. And most of that was in Billy. When the Mindflayer attacked him, it attacked itself." Billy stared at the walkie talkie and held his breath. "Billy," El suddenly addressed him, and he swallowed thickly. "If you hadn't stood up to the Mindflayer, if it hadn't focused on killing you and hurt itself in the process… closing the gate wouldn't have stopped it."

"You saved us," Max said, voice awed. He locked eyes with her and sees pride shining there. No one had been proud of him, not since his Mom left, and that was so long ago he can't remember what it was for. Catching a wave, probably. Not saving lives.

He did it. He did something right for once.

A tear slipped down Billy's face, but he didn't notice. He stared at the answering tears gathered in Max's eyes. He took her hand, opened his mouth to tell her not to cry, but a sob surprised him. She held his hand tightly while he hid his teary eyes.

Why the fuck was he crying? He was a hero, not some pussy. Some fag. Max never cried and his Dad loved her. 

Max gripped Billy's hand tighter and said with a voice that came out with a sob, "I don't know why I'm crying."

He laughed, just a little. "Me neither."

They're still laugh-crying when Neil and Susan return home. Billy and Max don't hear them at first, don't realize they're home at all until Billy looks up and sees Neil in the doorway. Billy sobered instantly, thinking he was screwed. The look in Neil's eye was contemplative, the press of his lips thin. Billy stared up at his father, face stained with tears he doesn't wipe away. Max glanced between Neil and Billy nervously.

Billy knows that Max has some sort of clue that Neil hits him sometime. He taught her how to clean her skateboarding injuries early on, and when asked how he knew this stuff he'd said because of surfing, which was where he'd learned but not how he'd practiced. One evening early in the Hawkins winter she'd brought him a bowl of water and a cloth and said, "Bad surfing accident, huh?" and left without a word.

Billy doesn't see the moment she decides to face down Neil, only sees her stand and face him. "I hit one of Billy's wounds." Billy snapped her name in warning, but she doesn't listen. "It was an accident."

Billy tried desperately to think of something to say to fix the situation, body so tightly wound the pain brings fresh tears to his eyes. "She tripped. On a book. I haven't exactly been able to clean."

Neil stared at him for a moment, then looked at the floor of his room. "Right," he said, "Max, you'll clean Billy's room after helping your mother and I put away the groceries." Then he left.

Max handed him the walkie with a small smile, then followed Neil. 

Billy sighed, slowly letting the tension go. It was alright. It was alright for now. Max was still safe.

He'd saved her from one monster. He could keep her from Neil.

And apparently, she was going to try to do the same in return.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Becoming a Hugo award winning author fixed my writer's block and inability to write in perfect tenses.

That night, Billy dreamt of his mother. The images are all from the memory El had plucked from his mind, hazy but there. Real. He'd forgotten her, forgotten all but the fact that she'd left. She'd left him. He'd been small, truly small, but then as he grew and the visits and phone calls had happened less and less all he'd had was his father's voice yelling about how she was a whore who left them for some black bastard. Billy'd had no choice but to believe it.

Now, he remembered that he was loved. He could see it in the way she had watched him surf, how proud she had been. And he could hear it, too. "I love you, Billy, to the moon and back." It floated over his dream, unrelated to that particular memory. There was humming too, but he couldn't remember the tune when he woke.

That afternoon, long after Neil had gone to work and just after Susan had left to visit a friend, Max appeared at his bedroom door. Billy didn't look up from his book, _Pride and Prejudice _, despite the fact that he could feel her eyes on him. They'd spent way too much time gossiping like twelve year old girls at a slumber party the day before. And then Neil had ordered Max to clean his room. And then to do his laundry. Billy had had a bit too much Max time.__

__Max didn't wait for his attention too long. "I'm going to the arcade. Need anything?"_ _

__"Nope," Billy said, still not looking up._ _

__He heard Max clatter down the hall, and just before she reached the door he had a thought. His mother's voice slipped through his mind telling him she loved him, along with that humming he couldn't remember the words of. "Wait."_ _

__He was looking at the door when Max reappeared in it. "Is your friend El going to be there?"_ _

__"No, it's just Lucas and me going. Why?" she studied him, way too damn perceptive._ _

__Billy sucked his teeth, considering what to tell her. She was so mature, she'd notice a lie. So he settled on telling the truth, at least part of it. "I want to talk to her about what she saw in my head."_ _

__Max studied him, biting her lip, a little furrow between her brows. Billy thought she might ask him what El saw, but she didn't. She simply said, "You can talk to her about it yourself. With the walkie. She's staying at the Byers' until the Chief gets out of the hospital; their house is within the signal."_ _

__Billy and Max glanced at the walkie sitting on his bedside table. He hadn't used it yet. Hadn't had any questions, or desire to listen to the prattle of thirteen year olds._ _

__"Right," Billy said. "Now scram, I'm busy."_ _

__He didn't look up to watch Max roll her eyes and leave. He stared blankly at his book, listened as her footsteps moved through the house then out the door, to the loud bang as it closed behind her. He listened as the porch squeaked under her weight, then to the silence that followed._ _

__Billy tossed his book onto the bed open, so that he didn't lose his place. He sat up with a slight wince, settling his feet on the hardwood floor. The walkie sat on his bedside table in front of him, the unplugged fan just beside it on the floor. He wiped sweat from his face; the sweltering heat had yet to break, if anything it was building. It was the kind of day Billy would have been in his element, ruling as king and protector on his throne overlooking the pool. He wanted to go back, to leave this hell place. Or better yet, go back to California. Back to when he and his mom were together, happy and safe._ _

__Billy reached out a hand and noticed it was shaking. Pussy, he thought. The plastic of the walkie squealed slightly as he gripped it too tightly in his still shaking hand. He sprawled back into his bed, holding the walkie above his head, looking for the power button. Having found it, he then pushed the 'push to talk button' and opened his big dumb mouth. What the fuck was he doing. "Hey, I want to talk to El," he said. His voice sounded calm and cool, but his hand still trembled slightly._ _

__For at least twenty seconds he heard nothing but static, until a quiet voice said, "Hey."_ _

__Billy wished he knew what to say next. He absentmindedly wiped a bead of sweat off the back of his knee. Here goes. "Going into my memories really saved the day. It… it really saved me."_ _

__"I know. Happy to help," El responded, voice still quiet but with the hint of a smile. It's a nice voice. He can remember thinking that, as she used it to bring his Mom to life._ _

__"Listen, I was hoping you could do it again," Billy said, and when El didn't respond right away added on, "I don't have many memories of her."_ _

__"I know." El sounded sad now, like she did know and understood. Exactly how much had she seen?_ _

__"Can you?" His voice cracked at the end._ _

__"I'm sorry Billy. I know how important this is to you. I can barely remember my Mama."_ _

__"I'm sorry," Billy said, wondering if she had died or what. He hadn't even known that the Chief had a daughter, let alone some long gone wife._ _

__"I would help you if I could, Billy. But my powers… I haven't been able to use them since the mall. Not even to crush pop cans like - like Papa trained me." In the slight hesitation Billy heard anger. Not much - this El girl kept her emotions under wraps, which he could respect. But just enough anger to raise some not good questions in his mind._ _

__"The Chief? He trained you? Then I’m sure he'll help you regain them as soon as he's out of the hospital."_ _

__"No." Anger, slightly more audible. "Hopper isn't my Papa. Papa was… the man in charge of the lab. He wasn't a kind man. Kinda like your dad."_ _

__Billy was silent for one long moment. "What do you mean?" he asked slowly, suddenly feeling cold. Did she know? How much did she know? Did her papa hit her, too?_ _

__"When I was trying to find you, I saw some of your memories. Your mom, at the beach. Your dad… hitting your mom. Yelling at you." She paused, and Billy squeezed his eyes tight to keep all the bad feelings inside. Tried to keep it from spilling out and showing. That always got him in trouble. "Papa… would yell. Or electrocute me. Or…" El's voice got shaky, but she didn't let go of the talk button to hide it, not like he would have. He could hear her little uneven hiccuping breaths as she relived the past. Christ, what this kid must have been through. "Papa didn't really see Mama or me as people. We were just tools. I have people who love me now."_ _

__Billy swallowed. "And your Mama?"_ _

__El was silent for a moment. "She's psychic, just like me. But… she got stuck. I've visited her, but… she's not really there. I miss her."_ _

__"My Mom… left. Ran off with another man and left us. Left me."_ _

__"I doubt she left you on purpose, Billy. She really loved you."_ _

__A scoff sat on the tip of Billy's tongue, but he stopped it. Remembered El narrating his own forgotten memory to him. Imagined her coming to grips with her own mom leaving her, even if it wasn't on purpose. It had been a long time since he'd considered anyone's opinion but his Dad's on why Mom left us. Maybe El was right. "Yeah," he said, kind of lamely._ _

__"I just wish I had a normal family sometimes, you know?"_ _

__He does laugh at that. "Yeah, believe me, I do."_ _


	4. Chapter 4

__Billy was hobbling back from the bathroom when Neil turned the corner, headed to his own bedroom. They both drew up short. Billy watched Neil study first the hand braced against the wall just in case, then the one wrapped about himself. Billy hurt. He was black and blue and purple and green, and the bite marks left behind by the Mindflayer had way too many teeth marks. He was still weak from the blood loss, despite Susan bringing him orange juice and lots of red meat to eat in bed. Even if the doctors would let him out of bed, he'd be confining himself. Jesus fuck he hurt like hell.

"Son," Neil said, standing aside to let him pass.

Billy grimaced his thanks and continued gingerly on. 

"Whatever happened… it's over, right Billy?" Neil asked, surprising him. He knew it all sounded unbelievable, especially when you could clearly see the marks left on his body. That seemed like more than Russians in a mall.

But thanks to Maxine and her gang of walkie talkie wielding friends, he was sure of the answer. "Yes, sir."

"Good. You've been doing good for the last few months. Graduation, that life guarding gig. Susan and I were thinking you were finally settling down for a normal life." Neil paused, and Billy knew what was coming. "None of that queer shit from California."

Billy knew it was coming, but it still stung. "It won't happen again," he said without looking at his Dad.

"I'm sure it won't," Neil said, threat ever present in his voice. "But Max tells me you only really got involved to help out her and her friends. Said you saved them."

Billy didn't say that he got involved in the first place because he was trying to seduce a woman almost twice his age. That he had been the monster the kids needed to be saved from. Just said meekly, "I tried."

Billy glanced over his shoulder at Neil, who was nodding solemnly. "Maybe I don't give you enough credit. I know I can be a bit hard on you, but I just want you to turn out right."

He didn't know what to say to that. It had been a long time since Neil had paid him a compliment, not that that was much of one. Since he was a kid. Maybe that time he won the elementary spelling bee? He couldn't help feeling a little proud, just like he always did when Neil offered him the carrot instead of the stick. Like a little kid with a gold star. But why did he have to be beat to learn? Billy knew enough about his classmates to know that wasn't normal. Why couldn't he be normal? Or better yet, why couldn't his dad just accept him as normal?

It made him think of El, and their conversation earlier, which brought back the thought of his mom. If El couldn't pull the memory from his head, he'd have to do it the good old-fashioned way. His dad seemed in a good enough mood.

"Dad, do you still have Mom's number?"

His dad seemed taken aback. "You haven't asked about that in a long time."

Billy shrugged, then winced.

"Why now?"

He wished he could avoid eye contact with his dad but he'd been raised better than that. "I wanted to ask her about something. Something one of Max's friends reminded me of."

"You go lay down: I've kept you up long enough," Neil said, clapping Billy painfully on the shoulder. "I'll get you that number."

Neil more than brought Billy his mother’s phone number; he arrived at Billy’s door just after he started to think that Neil hadn’t been serious with the corded phone stretched to its limit. He’d handed Billy a scrap of paper and gruffly told him not to make too long of a call. “Long distance is expensive, especially for that woman.”

“Yes, sir,” Billy said, barely waiting for his dad to leave before hurriedly dialing.

First ring. Shit, what time was it even in California? Maybe she wouldn’t be home. Shit. He should have thought about this before he dialed.

Second ring. Would she even want to talk to him? It had been years since they’d last talked; it was before his voice dropped, Billy was sure. Would she even recognize his voice? Would he recognize hers?

Third ring. And what if she had moved and not contacted his dad? Billy wasn’t sure what kind of separation agreement they had. Did she have to tell Neil? It’s not like she had any parental rights. She hadn’t fought for them, as far as Billy could tell. Maybe she didn’t want him after all, just like his dad always said. Maybe she didn’t love him, and he was interrupting some California grandparents just sitting down for an early supper. 

Fourth ring. Maybe he should hang up. Save everyone. Maybe-

“Hello?” It was a man’s voice. Billy’s heart plummeted. 

“Hi, is Patricia Bates there?”

“Yes, can I ask who is calling?” the man asked. It must be the man she had run away with. Antoine? Billy had never met him; his dad wouldn’t allow it.

“It’s Billy, Billy Hargrove.” 

“Billy?” he sounded shocked. “I’ll put your mom right on.”

Billy heard voices, a man and a woman, and in the background what might have been the tv and the sound of something frying. Billy let it wash over him, picturing the domestic scene on practically the other side of the country. Maybe his Mom was wearing that same dress with the flowers on it. She’d be humming while she pan-fried chicken, and she’d be smiling, skin clear and unbruised.

He thought he heard a gasp, then the background noise faded and he heard a door close with a thump. “Billy?” his Mom asked, hopeful and a bit choked.

Billy said, “Hi Mom,” around a lump in his throat. 

“It’s good to hear your voice. You sound so grown,” she said, and he laughed.

“Yeah, it’s been awhile.”

“Yes, it has,” she said, trailing off. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but why now?”

"I…" _I was possessed until a teenage girl read my mind and narrated my memories of you to me?_ No, best not tell her that. "I was in a fight. I didn't want to do it but - but someone got in my head. Made me feel like I didn't have a choice. Until a girl - one of Max's friends - reminded me of you. Encouraged me to try. I - I saved a lot of people's lives. But I … I…" He can't say it. Can't say that he killed people.

"It's okay, Billy," his Mom said, and he sniffled. "It's okay. But tell me, did this fight have anything to do with the Hawkins mall incident I keep seeing so much about on the news?"

"Yeah."

"With the Russians?"

"Yeah," Billy half cried half laughed. It was weird, even without the monster.

"I heard about it on the news, but I never thought…" she trailed off, then asked suddenly, "How badly were you hurt?"

"...pretty bad. They kept me in hospital for a few days, and I'll be on bed rest for awhile yet."

"Your father's looking after you? And his new wife?"

"Yeah," Billy answered honestly. Neil kept him fed, clothed, and under a solid roof. He'd even been kind letting Billy phone his Mom. But she had to know that wasn't always the case. He used to hit her. Had her him once, when he was trying to protect her. She had to know. "Mom, why'd you leave?"

"Your father… can be unkind. I didn't realize that until after we were married; until after we had you. I wasn't happy, and then I met Antoine. He makes me very happy."

_Unkind_ was one word for Neil. His mom knew, and she'd left for some black man, just like his dad always said. She knew Neil beat him. And she left anyway.

But Billy had to be sure. He had to hear her say it. He sounded young, voice petulant and lower lip sticking out as he asked, "Why'd you leave me?"

He heard her sigh. "I didn't want to. But Neil was insistent. Billy, you have to understand that the social climate in the '70s - even in California - wasn't very accepting. The divorce courts wouldn't look kindly on a white woman who cheated on her husband with a black man. Neil was prepared to drag my name through the mud to keep you. Even if I tried, there was no way I was leaving that marriage with you. I'm so sorry about that. But you were always the apple of your father's eye. I knew he'd look after you."

Billy worked to control his emotions, found he was breathing hard. His ribs ached. Maybe she didn't know that Neil hit him, that he thought that was how you raised a son right. Maybe she thought she was doing the best thing she could for them both. Maybe. But it still hurt. He wanted to lash out, to tell her what hell she'd left him in. But all he could picture was El, staring up at him, scared. Max, screaming. He didn't want to be the monster anymore.

"I had this dream the other night. You were singing to me, but I can't remember the words."

His mom laughed. "That's probably Little Boy Blue. It's an old nursery rhyme; I used to sing it to you, because you were my little boy with the bluest eyes I'd ever seen."

"Could you sing it to me?"

"Of course," she said, and Billy let his eyes close and imagined her smiling at him, proud and loving. And then she started singing. 

"Little boy blue,

Come blow your horn,

The sheep's in the meadow,

The cow's in the corn.

But where is the boy

Who looks after the sheep?

He's under a haystack,

Fast asleep…."


	5. Chapter 5

Billy could do nothing but lay in bed and think about what his mother had told him. That is not to say that he could not have done other things: his book sat forgotten where it had been carelessly tossed. Billy's mind would not let him read, and his body wouldn't let him do anything, so he was left to turn his mother's words over and over like a stone tossed by an ocean wave.

She'd told him 'I love you' just before they hung up, and he'd said it back. He didn't know how long it had been since he'd said those words, or heard them directed at him. Possibly since they'd last talked. Neil didn't believe that men should say 'I love you,' thought that expressing your emotions was too girly. Billy kind of agreed, despite how good hearing and saying it had felt. But he wasn't very manly sometimes, despite his father's best efforts, so what the fuck ever.

Neil had knocked on his door and taken the phone about five minutes after Billy had hung up. All he said was 'goodnight.' Billy wished him a good one as well. Sir.

He couldn't help imagining another world where he was in California with his Mom and Antoine. They'd say 'I love you' before going to bed, while Billy prepared for his lifeguarding job the next morning. He imagined being happy, just as a general feeling. Not drunk happy, or the momentary satisfaction of some new plaything. True happiness. It wasn't something he'd ever considered before, and certainly not for himself.

It was even hotter than the previous days, a sticky heat that felt heavy. In between imagining a life with his mother, Billy thought about the pool. It would be busy, kids, teenagers, and adults crammed in to try and cool off. He'd be in his element, perched on his throne. Could he go back? After putting everyone at risk. After killing a kid.

It wouldn't be the same, that he knew, because nothing would be the same ever again.

He tried to imagine what it would be like to be there today, not in some hypothetical where the Mindflayer had never attacked him, but as he was today. Still scarred, perhaps, but body healed under his shirt. He felt less inclined to flirting, but he could still feel himself perched in the shade of his umbrella watching as everyone else cooled down from the heat.

He glanced outside to see if the sun was still beating down as fiercely and was surprised to find dark clouds quickly gathering. Looked like rain. Billy shivered, despite the still oppressive heat, as he remembered lightning striking in that other place, the upside down. Fuck, even the thought of another storm had him quaking like a little baby.

Billy grabbed at his book, willing the words to distract him from… everything. He managed to read a page successfully, before realizing he had no idea what was going on, let alone any memory of the words he had just read. He flung the book aside once more and picked up the radio, turning it on. Billy didn't know why he did it, he just did.

"-told you we should have gone to the pool. It's going to rain and be miserable! For days! I'm going to be stuck inside and BORED!" Billy really wasn't sure which of Max's teenage friends said that. He only knew El and Lucas's names. He was sure this voice was neither of theirs. Probably not that quiet kid, either. So… that only left those two guys, right? One of them.

"Oh, whatever, you wanted to go to the arcade, too," said the other of the two boys whose name he couldn't remember.

"Yeah, but we could have gone tomorrow when it was raining! Now I have no money! What am I going to do?" the first half screamed.

"You'll think of something."

"That's easy for you to say, Mr.I-Have-A-Girlfriend." That must make boy #2 El's boyfriend. Mitch?

"Can you not?" the quiet boy said at the same time El said, "I'm still on the radio, you know." It sounded like they must be using the same radio.

"Sorry, El," guy #1 said. "But you two can just sit in a room and make out for hours. I don't wanna do that!"

Billy thought he heard the quiet kid say 'ew', but Mitch's radio and much louder voice cut in and said, "You're just jealous."

"I'm leaving you all alone tomorrow. Joyce is taking me to see Hop," El said.

"Can you all shut up?" a stranger's voice suddenly chimed in. 

"Erica!" guy #1 exclaimed.

"Yep. You're all being super annoying." Erica - apparently - said. 

Before Erica released the talk button, another voice sounded from far away. "What have I told you about touching my stuff!" Lucas. Billy felt his jaw tighten involuntarily. The faint sound of Max laughing in the background softened it, though.

Billy heard a car pull into the drive and turn off, then Neil and Susan's voices approaching the door. He turned off the radio, still not sure why he'd turned it on, and picked his book back up. 

He did find that he could focus on the words now, so he didn't feel completely stupid about listening to teenagers prattle on about their summer plans. Maybe it had boosted his IQ in comparison.

Billy had barely read a page when he heard Susan coming up the stairs. He didn't think much of it, just noise that some part of his brain instinctively tracked. Nothing important. Until the footsteps stopped outside his door and there was a gentle knock. "Billy?" 

Billy quickly glanced around his room to make sure there was nothing obscene, and finding nothing (Max did a surprisingly good job cleaning) said, "Come in."

Susan hesitantly opened the door. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," Billy said almost reflexively, then slightly more honestly, "A bit sore."

"I'm sure," Susan said sympathetically. "It's only been about a week and a half since…" - Billy waited with raised eyebrows to see how timid Susan would finish that sentence - "since the mall. And you've only been out of the hospital five of them. It's just awful what happened to you, Billy, and your father and I wanted to throw you a nice family dinner to try and make things better. You've been handling this all so well. It's a little last minute, but we thought tonight would be a good night what with you going back to the hospital tomorrow for a check up. I imagine you're excited to be mobile, you're probably going a little stir crazy, right?" 

"Absolutely." Billy was pretty sure he wasn't going to be allowed far, still, but it was nice of them.

"I've got a steak I'm just going to cook, some nice red meat to help with your blood count. Neil is just going to pick up Maxine. She left a note that she's all the way out at the arcade, and with this rain threatening…."

Susan looked so worried, like rain would do anything to Max but make her wet. That kid had been through so much, Billy could hear her laughing in the face of a storm. She was strong.

So Billy just smiled slightly and said, "That's nice."

Susan smiled back. "Glad you think so." In the background, Billy vaguely noted the sound of the car starting up and pulling out of the drive.

Susan's eyes slid around his room, from the window nervously then towards the door. They paused on the radio still lying beside Billy. "You have one of those radio things Max has?"

"Yeah." Billy wasn't sure how to explain this. Yeah, he had a radio that he used to listen in to the conversations of fourteen year olds, but it wasn't like _that_. "Maxine, she - gave it to me. In case I was… bored."

Susan chuckled. "That sounds like my girl. I've heard Maxine and her friends talking and it's certainly very exciting: if you're fourteen."

"Yeah, I mostly keep it off." He begged Susan wouldn't ask about why he ever turned it on, then remembered the end of the last conversation he had listened to. "Susan, that reminds me, Maxine mentioned before she left that she might go to one of her friend's places for dinner. Maybe it would be best to do this tomorrow night? Just in case she's already eaten…."

Susan had moved over to the window, and was peering down at the driveway. "Neil has already left. He was very insistent on this dinner, on it being a family dinner. Do you think Maxine has left the arcade?"

"Yes."

"It's strange Maxine didn't mention having dinner with a friend in her note. Are you sure?" She was wringing her hands, still staring out the window. Not for the first time Billy wondered just how _nice_ Neil was to her.

"Pretty sure. Maxine said something about how she wasn't sure what day because sometimes her friend's father has to work late." Billy liked to think he was a good liar, but usually it didn't feel this urgent. He was sweating, and from more than just the humidity.

Susan finally turned away from the window. "Which friend? I can call ahead to the arcade and have them tell Neil where to pick her up."

That was probably the normal, easy option; the one that made sense if the thought of one's father finding you at a friend's instead of the arcade where you said you'd be didn't send sweat down your back. He knew he'd get a knocking for that, but Maxine the precious girl might get off scott free. Except… she wasn't at a friend's, she was at her boyfriend's. Her _black_ boyfriend's. Whom she was hanging out with _instead of her family_. That would hit all of Neil's buttons.

Maybe she'd be fine, but Billy doubted it. He knew his dad and this would be the thing that finally brought his fury down upon Max. And what could Billy do? He hurt standing for too long, he couldn't just charge out there and face down Neil. Hell, he wouldn't even have to hit him that hard, a tap would send him flailing. Billy couldn't save anyone.

But if he didn't try, that made him as good as a monster. He'd already experienced that feeling when the Mind Flayer had made him it's puppet. He couldn't live with more of that guilt. He'd killed so many people, but he couldn't do that to his sister. 

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea…." Susan's face pinched up, all confused and hurt. Billy resisted rolling his eyes. "She's with Lucas Sinclair." He hoped to hell that name would ring a bell with her.

"I'm not surprised; they're best friends, and she never shuts up about him…." Christ, even her voice sounded confused and hurt and fucking demure. 

"They're dating!" Billy snapped.

"Oh," was Susan's response, but no dawning understanding came with it.

"Have you met Lucas?"

"Yes, he seemed like a very nice young man. I'm surprised Maxine didn't tell me they were dating. Are you sure?"

Why did she keep asking that? "Yes. They've been dating since December."

Susan sat down on the edge of his bed, her face looked crumpled now, distraught. "Why didn't she tell me? I would have been so happy for her: first steady boyfriend. Neil and would have had him over for dinner…."

"Would Neil have been happy? Think about it, Susan, his past with my Mom. Let's be honest, he's always been a bit racist."

Susan looked like she was going to defend Neil, mouth opening to express outrage, but then he saw her pause and really think about it. Every comment made in passing, every refusal to watch _The Cosby Show_ or carpool with Jerry from work. Maybe there were other memories, comments Neil made while slapping Susan around about how that was just how his no-good, cheating, black-loving ex-wife treated him, but Billy didn't know about those. All he saw was a very serious look come over Susan's face.

"Just think about it, Susan. Think about how angry he'll be that she's skipping out on family dinner to spend time with her black boyfriend and his black family, just like my Mom used to."

Susan's hands clenched in the blankets. "You think he'll hurt her."

Billy shrugged. "It's what he does."

"He just wants the best for us," Susan said quietly. "But Max hasn't done anything wrong. It'd be best if she were at the Arcade when Neil gets there."

Billy nodded. It had worked, he'd saved Max. He felt relief spread through his body like sunshine.

"But Neil can't see the Sinclair's dropping her off, or he'll ask questions. We need someone else to drive her," Susan said, and oh crap, he hadn't thought of that.

Billy stared at the radio beside him, then picked it up. "I'll call the kids on this, maybe one of their parents can drive her."

Susan nodded and stood, "I'll call the Sinclairs, try to explain."

Susan's footsteps were quick on the stairs, sounding practically like a run. He didn't know how she was going to explain this to the Sinclairs, let alone Max if he didn't get her on the radio. Not that he was looking forward to explaining to a bunch of random teens the kind of dick his dad was, but his part in all this might be easier, especially if El was in range.

Outside, thunder rumbled.

Billy clicked on the radio. All was quiet, everyone presumably settled into their separate activities. How the fuck did he do this? "Max? You there?" He released the talk button and waited. 

Nothing. Billy spent an anxious moment staring at the storm clouds listening to the thunder and his own heartbeat, and remembering somewhere else. When he asked, "Max? You there?" again, his voice sounded like he was about to cry. Or punch something, equal odds.

There was another agonizing moment of silence where Billy's mind brought to life an image of how Max would walk with hidden bruises under her clothes. He felt his hands shaking. Then - the radio crackled. The quiet kid said, "She's at Lucas's. They turned the radio off for dinner."

"Okay," Billy said, not quite surprised. Max wrangling was Susan's problem, then. "My dad's picking her up from the arcade. Something came up. We need someone to drive her from the Sinclair's to the arcade. Can someone ask their parents?"

There was silence from the radio, but thunder rumbled right outside Billy's window making him jump. "Why can't the Sinclair's drive her?" one of the boys, Mitch he thought, asked.

"Because!" Billy snapped. Fuck, how did he explain? He couldn't. He couldn't do this.

Thankfully, El chimed in. "Is it because your dad's a bad man?"

It wasn't as simple as that, he wasn't bad like the Mindflayer, not like El's papa. He was just a man, his Dad. But at the same time, yeah, Neil was just a bad man. So Billy said, "Yes." His throat was tight.

"Listen to Billy," El said, and that was that.

"I'll ask my Mom," the quiet kid said.

"No, no, that'll take too long. I'm closer; I'll drive," piped in a completely new voice. Billy could hardly believe his ears, but was that Steve Harrington?

He wasn't the only one who was shocked. "Steve?!" exclaimed Mitch. 

"That's me," Steve said, and Billy could hear him in a completely different time and place telling him not to cream his pants. Billy had beat his face in for hanging out with his sister then. For her being with him, with Lucas, when she should have been at home with her family. This situation was so, so similar. And yet.

And yet he found himself saying, "Thanks, Harrington."

"I'm doing it for Max," Steve said, heat in his voice. Which was fair, Billy had beat his face in, left him bloody and concussed. He had felt a little bad about that in the aftermath; Steve was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Billy didn't have anything against Steve, he was just laying down the law. His father's law, which he was just starting to see was wrong. 

Billy gingerly got out of bed and walked down stairs, radio in hand. The kids kept talking.

"What do you think is going on?" Mitch asked.

"Something bad," answered El. "But Billy is fixing it." Billy paused on the stairs. He hoped he was fixing this, but he knew this was only the beginning. But he felt something like pride swell in him at El's words. It made him feel tall.

Susan was standing in the kitchen, phone pressed to her ear, anxiously threading the cord through her fingers. "Thank you, Mrs. Sinclair," she was saying. When she caught sight of Billy she said, "One moment."

"Steve Harrington is driving her. He should be there soon," Billy said while taking a seat at the kitchen table.

"Steve Harrington…" Susan repeated, obviously trying to place the name. "Isn't that the boy whom you beat?" 

Billy winced at the reminder. The Chief had stopped by a few days later, 'just to have a chat' about it. Neil had taken Billy on a walk after he left so that the girls wouldn't have to hear - or see - his reprimand. "Yeah," Billy admitted, then explained, "He babysits the kids."

Susan nodded, then turned back to the phone, "Steve Harrington is on his way to pick her up."

Thunder rumbled, and Billy stood and walked to the door, opening it to look outside at the black clouds. He wanted to run. To punch something. To fight back. But he couldn't, he was so damn helpless. He could only stare at the clouds and hope his words had been enough. And what good had words ever been?

The radio crackled to life. "What's happening, Billy?" El asked. The kids were as powerless as he was, he realized. 

He turned to look at Susan, who just shook her head. "Nothing yet," he said into the radio. Thunder rumbled again. It sounded like it was getting closer.

"It must be killing you not to have your powers," Billy said, then immediately wanted to put his foot in his mouth. 

"Yes," El answered simply. "But they don't always help. You're doing all anyone can, Billy."

Her words were reassuring, but his heart still pounded.

"I'll let you know when he picks her up," he said.

"I still don't get why it would be such a bad thing for your dad to just pick her up himself. Or have the Sinclairs drop her off," Mitch said.

Thunder rumbled again, closer. It felt like it had to be practically on top of him. His heart was pounding, his hands shaking, and when he closed his eyes he saw a different storm, the one in the upside down. He wanted to lash out. He wanted to hurt someone, anyone. Maybe himself. He wanted to tell Mitch to go fuck himself, but he didn't want to be like that anymore.

Billy slammed the palm of his hand into the door frame, wincing at the pain. His palm had been lacerated by the Mind Flayer, the stitches barely removed before he had been released from the hospital.

He slapped it again.

He said, trying to smile, "Well, Mitch, my dad has a bit of a temper. He doesn't know Max and Lucas are dating, and doesn't need to. It would just make him angry."

"Who's Mitch? And why can't the Sinclair's drive her and just tell your dad that they're friends?" 

"Wouldn't matter," Billy said flatly.

"So he'd be angry like the chief is with El and I for dating. So what," Mitch said, and Jesus this kid was annoying. Billy didn't know how to say his dad might hit Max. He couldn't even use the word abuse in his own mind.

Thunder cracked sudden and loud overhead. 

"It's not the same, Mike," El said. "Billy's dad… he hits."

"What?" Mike, apparently, asked in confusion.

Billy felt cold. It came on sudden, with El’s words. _He hits_. It was out there, the truth, and Billy was afraid. He couldn’t move, couldn’t think, couldn’t breath. 

Suddenly he felt a hand in his hair, gentle, kind. _Mom_ , he thought. He looked up, confused - since when was he on the floor? - and into Susan’s blue eyes. “It’s okay, Billy. But you’ve got to get up. Neil will be home soon.”

He nodded, and he tried to stand but couldn’t quite seem to get his feet under him. Susan put a hand under his elbow and hauled him up, something clattering to his feet as she did. The radio. Wordlessly, she handed it to him, then dusted herself off and said, “I better get dinner started.”

Billy nodded, staring after her as the world came back into focus. The kids were talking, shouting really, but at him or each other he couldn’t really say. He leaned aganat the door jam, not really listeneing as the first fat drops of rain splatted against the pavement. At an eventual lull he said, “She’ll be here soon.”

“Good,” said El forcefully. “We’re here for you Billy. Both you and Max.” The rest of the kids chimed their assent.

Okay, he had the support of a bunch of kids. Big whoop. Billy felt numb, unable to process what was going on. He turned off the radio and set it down on the table by the door, watched the rain really start to pound down, the ground turning wet in seconds. Lightening flashed, breifly blinding him, and when his vision cleared there was Neil’s car turning into the drive. He squinted against the headlights, trying to see into the car, as if seeing their faces could let him know if he’d succeded. Please, please let him have. Please, please, please….

The headlights turned off and the passenger door flew open, Max running for the house. “It’s pouring! Quick, Neil.” And slower, but laughing, came Neil.

Billy felt a rush of joy come over him as he watched Max. He’d done it. He’d saved her. Billy grinned, as Max rushed up to hug him, then darted in to hug her mother. He’d done it. Neil clapped him on the shoulder and Billy flinched, smile faultering slightly. Neil just walked past, a smile remaining on his lips. “You know,” he said to Susan as he hung up his damp jacket on the bannister to dry, “The people in this town are good. One of the local kids, Steve Harrington, saw Maxine waiting for a drive and stopped to pick her up. I got there just before they left.”

“Oh, how kind,” Susan said, exchanging a relieved glance with Billy. “Maxine, set the table.”

And just like that, it was over. Billy sat at the table, tired, but his chest lose in a way it hadn’t been in days. He didn’t feel like the trapped, angry little boy anymore. He didn’t know what he felt like exactly, but he thought he liked it.

Outside, the rain continued to pour down, but the thunder and lightning passed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's all, folks! I've got an idea for a sequel that involves Billy teaching El to swim, among other things, but that won't happen for awhile. Until then, please leave kudos and comments. I'd really like to know what you all thought.

**Author's Note:**

> Verb tenses are hard, so if you spot anything really egregious let me know. All comments and suggestions welcome!


End file.
